Posts tagged: sadness
So yesterday I was feeling extreme highs & lows. And no it was not my bipolar cycling, shit bipolar cycling might have been easier to cope with.
Well some of the problems are … Maybe later I might come back and fill that in but right its too emotionally draining to start the thought process on these problem areas again.
I have realized in an odd twist in regard to the feelings I’m dealing with why I’m a writer. Sometime it truly is a better idea to retract into myself, my world of characrters and not concentrate on this world. Its difficult because I want to be here, and for my family, and all the people who depend on me. However, that starts to seem more impossible.
Everthing is hitting all at the same time honestly. Depression, Mania, Dysphoria, Fear, Abandonment issues, Self Hatred. And I’m sure I missed something.
So the only thing I really can control is to write.
When I feel this way writing becomes a challenge. I get caught up in the emotions or the lack thereof and cannot write.
But I don’t have a choice. I have to write. It really is create or die. Creating gives me a will to survive.
So I’m going to start a writing schedule. I have ideas lined up so theres nothing to do it except do it.
Rest peacefully Leo. And to MC all the love and strength I can send.
As someone who has tried suicide, and cannot gurantee that “it” and I will never cross paths again. Its a terrible feeling. Hopefully we can all find solace in this world.
Greetings Tumblr World.
This is a message written by MC, Leo’s domestic partner. I’d like to share with you all something difficult. Leo committed suicide two weeks ago and is no longer with us. I’m sorry to have to share this with you. I think it is important for me to share with you the circumstances surrounding his death because suicide has a stigma associated with it. I’ll always be pained by the manner of his conclusion, but I will never be ashamed of him. I’m so proud to have spent four years knowing him and evolving together. We grew stronger together and I’ve been using that strength to carry me now. When we began our journey together we promised each other one thing- “to try.”
And he did try very hard and I thank him for that.
I want to thank you all. Leo took solace in the world in Tumblr because it was a home to express his gender identity and the journey that was its exploration. Community is essential, and to Leo, Tumblr was one of his communities. Certainly as a Tumblr follower you were privy to a very private part of his expression and to the exhibitionist that he was. In his day-to-day, he was far more quiet. He was so compassionate and generous with his spirit. He was also so silly and wonderful. I was lucky enough to share four years of my life as his partner. Let you find peace.
Please take care of yourself and those around you. It is infuriating that I’m sure many of you have already been impacted in same way by suicide before and unfortunately will again in the future. Silence is deadly, so please remember to speak.
If you are in a crisis please contact Hopeline (800) SUI-CIDE or https://www.imalive.org for a crisis intervention and suicide prevention hotline that is 24/7.
Thank you to Amos Mac for the above photo.
So many people living their dreams. And I have to wonder … Do I have to sell my soul for any bits of mine to come through?!
I won’t. Sometimes it feels though as pieces are already gone.
I want to create. I want to change things. I want to evolve. I want to leave some sort of positive mark on this world, all my human mistakes put aside.
I feel as if I am falling.
I am faultering.
I am failing.
Well its 5:41 pm here on the west coast and I’m trying to get back into the practice of doing my free write. So bear with me this might be a bit brutal and I hope language doesn’t hold it against me later. Sigh, its been a long week, couple of weeks actually. I have fallen behind, fallen asleeep, fallen into a bit of self demise (to state it lightly) and fallen out with my children.
I started a new job and well its taxing. And its a fuq’d rendition because I need a job. Yes sir, lets not get that twisted. Plus I’ve been unemployed for 7 months due to an abrupt and illegal firing due to a work related injury. Gotta love corporations! Its 10 hour days, involves sales, and its ran by a strict company and culture enviroment. Well not that I’ve gotten that off my chest and probably sound ungrateful to the remainder of the unemployed workforce. I just hate that corporations take advantage of people. When has it become that machines and corporate entities matter more than flesh and blood. Don’t answer that. Well be here til kingdom come talkin’ about that. But if it makes you feel any better I made one mistake and they been on my ass like a lynch mob on a nigger. Yea, I said it. If my work is not perfect with double dotted “I” and triple crossed “T” … I bet they picked a shady little spot for me.
Fallen behind in my internship. SMFH. Please hold why I kick my own ass. …….Pause…… Thank you. I’m blessed to have this opportunity and it seems like a billion trees want to fall and I’m the only one around to hear the sound.
Create. I JUST WANT TO CREATE. I don’t have a problem with hard work. But why is it that working hard for someone else’s dream causes yours to turn into a nightmare?
I’ll wait ….
So many ideas. So little time. Need more sex. Need more wine. Childen are turning into consumption slaves … Need more time. Wife works hard … We need more time.
Children are turning into capitalists. I don’t know how this is happening. Money has never been pushed to them as something to worship. All children in the 5-9 age are selfish but I mean this is extreme to me. I don’t even really know what to say about it besides if anyone knows a support group for queer people of color with children with emotional and behavioral issues PLEASE hit me up. Thanks.
And cant forget the self demise. Bipolar mood switching is like that nasty leftover taste from morning breath. The simplest way to define it-
I WEAR MY PAIN.
And here’s a poem about it.
I wear my pain.
Simple marks thread swiftly
As each rise of my chest
And pressure upon my wrist
Leaves a written disposition
Of distasteful vindictive decisions
Pain is not my enemy
Yet a breathern in full stride
Intentions are a waste of breath upon my lips
The most common interaction with myself
Tends to leave a trail of red tears behind
And folks there we have it. Lastly, I just want to say I am thankful and greatful for each day I make it. Honestly, up to me I wouldn’t fight so hard. And I believe in giving credit where credit is due. So I’m truly blessed. I know some will disagree with me upon that but I can only say what I know from my heart and my experiences … Not yours.
Hope ya’ll continue to take this ride with me. Til next time. Love, Blessings, Peace and Light!